Management Library

Recommended Reading from Aurora Publishing

Managing Change with Zero Sigma by Dr. Alfred E. Neumann, 1024 pages (2006).

Self-Organizing Chaos: The new Management Paradigm by Zippy the Pinhead, 347 pages (2006).

Project Management by PDRR: Panic-Driven-Random-Reactions by Prof. Dr. Zero, 289 pages (2005).

Management by Physics: Using the Path-Of-Least-Resistance Approach by Albert Einstone, 654 pages (2007) subtitled “If Nature uses it, Why don’t you?”.

Principles of Extreme Management: Fire and Forget, by Fred Flintstoned, unabridged edition 6 pages (2007).

Call now and get for FREE our new 2-page pamphlet entitled Ten steps to Management by Chaos by our editor in Chief, Wakka Wakka (Waikikee Beach Island).

Party on Dude

Hallo Leute!

Wir werden an folgenden Terminen in den kommenden Monaten so richtig mal Party machen(1):

03.11.2006 Testparty der neuen BOOM-BOX Anlage
11.11.2006 Fasching einmal anders
27.11.2006 Lulu, mein Fisch, hat Geburtstag
25.11.2006 4 Monate ohne Abmahnung. PARTY!!
08.12.2006 Weihnachts Vorfreude Party
31.12.2006 Silvester!
12.01.2007 Mein Geburtstag
16-21.02.2007 FASCHING!! Yoohoo!
11.03.2007 17. Todestag meines Hundes
21.04.2007 Weis net, aber ist auch ein Grund zum Feiern
11, 12, 13.05.2007 Love Charade — Techno-Pur Party

Mit unserer neuen BOOM-BOX Soundanlage werden die Parties so richtig cool, und ihr seid alle herzlich eingeladen in euren Wohnungen mitzufeiern. Sensiblere Mitbewohner empfehlen wir an diesen Tagen in einem Hotel oder sonst wo zu übernachten.

Es freut uns, dass wir das Glück haben eine sooooo tolle Wohnung in der Stadt gefunden zu haben (sollten wir eigenlich feiern). Zum City-Living gehört natürlich auch die richtige Lebenseinstellung: Bitte habt also Verständnis dafür, dass wir für eventuelle Einwände kein Verständis haben.

Wenn ihr aber trotzdem uns was sagen wollt, haben wir eine Telefon-Hotline eingerichtet: 069 4711-0815-007. Dort könnt ihr aufs Band sprechen, und wir gucken uns das irgendwann mal an. Oder schickt uns eine Email: egoistenClub@totalParty.de

Viele Liebe Grüße,
Die coolen vom X. Stock.

(1) Änderungen vorbehalten, insbesondere zusätzliche spontane “Get-Togethers”

Captain’s Log : Saturday morning at the bakery

Captain’s Log, Stardate 21102006.0902X. We have positioned an array of remote sensing drones in low orbit around this planet. To be honest, just out of curiosity. Maybe there are some redeeming qualities of of the main species, something we have not yet really been able to find so far.

It is somewhat of a costly endeavour, since these drones use Filibuster-Rays. We need to dismantle their gas giant Neptune to fuel them. Filibuster-Ray Devices were developed by the Slug-Beings of Blip, to help them understand why they keep on bumping into each other during their journeys through space-time. They penetrate negative time space and give close-up views of time/action sequences at distances up to 183,000 “Football Fields” (we are learning to use observed earthly coordinate systems). The use of Filibuster-Rays does tend to generate correlative anomalies at the target coordinates, so its use is restricted and we must be careful.

The last crew who used it on this planet triggered the appearance of drag-racing, an utterly useless form of recreational competion. The crew had to leave immediately.

Our first puzzling recording from drone xj3459/x, picked up in a person-queue on “Saturday morning” (a very rough expression for a space-indeterminate time-slice) at a bakery. A female enters the establishment, notices a male holding a child. Apparently they know each other. The image/voice recording as follows:

Female: “Oh hi! How are yooooo!?”
Male: “Hi. I’m fine thanks. How are you?”
Female: “Oh, I’m fine. How are you?”
Male does not seem to answer
Female moves to view child
Female: “Hi little one. Are you here to buy bread with your father?”
The child does not answer

Our AnalysisEngine is unable to correlate this interaction with any form of measurable intelligence. We must recalibrate our settings.

Roofs and Cigarettes

Roof Gardening
Now here’s something to think about: Today I saw a guy on the roof on the opposing part of the inner court yard. Being a curious kind of guy, and not easily phased, I spent some time figuring out how to get to a vantage point where I could see what he was doing. It took some time to bypass the usual security barriers. But finally, I got up the top floor of the western segment, the only place where it is possible to see the roof. To my astonishment, it was a gardener tending to colorful plants and exotic flowers growing in neat rows on the roof.

Now, it immediately sprung to mind that this somewhat of a complete waste of money. I mean, this is an investment bank not a centre for botanical experiments. But it was quite pretty to look at. Fascinating concept actually; extravagance that nobody can see. Well almost nobody. Hey and then it hit me: I must be on the floor where senior managers entertain themselves to tolerate another hard day at the office. But no! The only people able to view this wonderful garden was the workers’ council.

And there you have it. It all makes sense. What better group could there be to arrange a secret garden, than the group whose true function nobody has ever understood in the first place. Except maybe admin. But admin is too much under pressure, sitting in meetings to decide on the timetable for the carpet replacements on the 2nd floor, and deciding who should have the right to choose which external firm will be engaged to measure the distances between the desks and the wall for compliance with office space directives.

Please do smoke
I used to be puzzled by something. There is this strange group of middle aged zombies that I first noticed by the extreme smoking stench they would emanate whenever I happened to have the pleasure of sharing the elevator with these individuals. Fascinated by the frequency with which these people are seen in elevators going down for a smoke, I could not help but use a bit of basic probability theory to estimate the percentage time these people spend smoking instead of working.

Based on a short survey of my colleagues, I came to the rough estimate that they go on average about 3 times an hour for a cigarette break. Each cigarette takes 7 minutes to smoke. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and say they pull like mad on their cigs, so that they finish within 6 minutes (which might explain their pale complexion). Travel time is about 3 minutes one-way (our elevators are kind of dumb). So we arrive at 18 minutes per hour. That’s 30%, folks. Not bad. Now, what puzzled me was that the company tolerated this. A mystery in today’s age of downsizing and redundancies.

Now here is where I think the company is being extremely clever: Firing these people costs money. So what could be an alternative? Right! Let ‘em smoke. That works. Of this group of 5 cigarette junkies, two have already died this year. Even better: This has apparently not phrazzled the survivors: They are still a permanent establishment at the building entrance.

Bringing it all together (brought to you by Rheumatismo …don’t ask)
Suggestions for the future: The Bank sets up a dispenser at the entrace. You swipe your card and if you’re not welcome anymore, you get a free cigarette. Filterless. As often as you like. Russian ones. Right next to the smoking area, a parking-bay is installed, slightly longer than your average parking-bay, leaving behind to the passer-by a slight puzzling and worrying impression. Written on the pavement: “Hearse”. And now the roof gardener also makes sense. The roof is converted to a cemetery and the gardener grows tobacco there for its future inhabitants.

Schnecken Roboter

SchneckenRoboter