We are in trouble. Our funding has been cut and we have no more money for our “To Boldly Go” Initiative. Our incredible series of success stories did not protect us from the budget cuts of our sponsors (not even getting Spock’s brain back impresses anyone these days).

Instead of the regular cashflow we got to do the bold things we do, we’re being asked by central command to finance our expenses ourselves, which are increasing dramatically due to Megalithic Hyperinflation emanating from the Money-Belt of Simplon 6, and of course our aging crew.

First, we suggested that central command print money. But apparently the printers went offline last month, and the password was forgotten 283 years ago. Also some of the bigger printers went missing last stardate. I asked Scotty if he can locate them and gave him after much negociating 3 minutes, which is plenty from my point of view. He thinks they might be in the Money-Belt. Now, if only we had the funds to go there and check….

Captain’s Log, Stardate 2011.12.06#234/AZ

In the meantime, Bones came up with a brilliant plan which is much better. At first I was sceptical, but he told me that he attended a remote night-course on “Leveraging in the Face of Utter Disaster” from the Department of Theoretical Abstraction at the University of Haggis. Since it’s always the deepest and blackest of night out here in deep space, he finished the course in 12 minutes a few nights ago. He did not mention that the final exam was the same that Spock took last year, I found that out by going to the toilet.

Anyway, it’s a sell-lease-back arrangement of the Enterprise, selling to the highest bidder, which will probably be the former hippy community of Zirkon-7, who have amassed a huge amount of cash with sales of their organic self-cleaning toilet brushes (ICrap) and are looking for a steady source of income for their Save-The-Universe fund. The money from the sale would then be used to buy Interstellar Wormhole Access bonds, from the Toll Collectors Society of Whiskey-Delta, with an 1% coupon and rated ABC123. Of course these coupons would not cover the leasing cost of the Enterprise, so we would use them as margin collateral to sell swaps with a notional of 86 Quadbrillion HyperCredits against the spread of central commands financing rate compared to the Klingon’s rate for their “Kill’em” Bonds. Assuming central command’s credit rating stays at AAAAH+, we should have enough cash flow to lease the Enterprise back, buy ourselves some condos on planet BarristaQuality3, and have a party on the holo-deck every Wednesday (the holo-deck we can build now that we are rich).

Spock kept on insisting that this is illogical, mumbling irrelevant stuff about assumptions and risks, but this was quickly resolved by integrating his brain into the waste management system of the Enterprise. As a benefit, we also no longer have to decline his offerings of logical self defense courses.

Of course, the model was stress tested by KPMD, the Kickbacks, Politics and Money Daemon way out in Dilbert space. This is a highly respected, fault-tolerant accountant with a rock solid reputation of certifying anything, as long as you provide him with at least one soul. Okay, okay, I used Spock’s body as payment, but we’ll lease that back soon, too.

In the meantime, the crew has been complaining about the instructions they are receiving when using the ICrap in the toilet, so we’re off to Dilbert Space to lease back Spock right away.

Kirk Out

1. http://forum.xda-developers.com/showthread.php?t=481162
2. http://androidsmartphone.de/apps/g1-als-usb-modem-ohne-root-auf-dem-mac/
3. http://forum.xda-developers.com/showpost.php?p=3407506&postcount=24

Basically need to

1. Install tuntap for Mac OS X (http://tuntaposx.sourceforge.net/) on the Mac and reboot.
2. Then install TunnelBlick OpenVPN for Mac OS X (http://code.google.com/p/tunnelblick/) on the Mac.
3. Download azilink for google android (http://code.google.com/p/azilink/) (both the .apk and .zip files) on the Mac, and use adb to upload to the Android phone via USB.
4. Start the azilink on the Android mobile connected on the USB port (after following the install instructions)
5. On the Mac, copy the azilink.opvn file from the azilink .zip to $HOME/Library/openvpn (need to create the dir). Comment out the “socket-flags TCP_NODELAY” line
6. Turn off any other networking. Double click on the TunnelBlick Icon on the top right corner of the Mac and start it up. Should work right away.

I also tried installing XCode (from Apple), MacPorts and then the port openvpn2, but then discovered TunnelBlick, so dropped that path.

We have entered into the Complexity Zone, in Quadrant 324.2435x N 76B. A strange feeling has overcome me, shortly after our arrival. I seem to have lost my sense of responsibility, and feel an irresistable urge to Build Walls. Something I have not experienced since taking that free course on intergalactic space administration on planet DeathWish.

I have been informed that it is no longer possible to access the machine room. Scotty claims that this was never agreed and would cost at least a million person-days to change the process. That doesn’t bother me though. I’ve checked my budget and we have enough Credits to comply. Also, I hope that if I wait long enough, I won’t be held responsible.

StarDate 20080408/MaH.2

Mr. Spock has been bugging me. He tried to tell me that there was a serious problem on the ship with the crew. What does he know about seriousness!? I’ve asked him to fill out our new ChangeRequestForm first, and clearly state the savings we will achieve. But he seems not to understand. Kept on mumbling about something being very fascinating. But I did detect a hint of frustration when he raised his left eye brow. Good thing he left, so that I can continue my work on the Grand RolloutPlan.

StarDate 20080408/MaH.3

I’ve continued to hide out in my office, working on the Grand RolloutPlan. Our budget is astronomical (quite fitting for this kind of space endeavour, acutally), but we have no clear goals other than To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before. This is simply a NonPlannableTarget, one of the most frightening Things imaginable. It must be ReDefined!!

As a start, I have contacted StarCommand to request a GalatacticScope. This will allow us to set the Grand RolloutPlan I so urgently seek. As part of the Plan, we will of course assemble a RoadMap, which is never complete without the RiskReturn and CostBenefit Appendices. As to our slogan, I’ve asked for the word “Boldly” to be replaced by “Carefully”.

My discussions with StarCommand have been frustrating. They just have not understood that we cannot live with NonPlannableTargets. All I could hear was some kind of grinding noise on the other end, presumably teeth. I gave StarCommand 30 hours to deliver.

StarDate 20080408/MaH.4

Mr. Spock finally stopped bugging me. He is apparently locked up in the Lab. Sulking? But he must comply with our new Prime Directive: “No Action Without Budget and Planning“. The old one is just ridiculous. Meddling with other life forms is just not a problem, as long as it is “In Budget“.

StarDate 20080408/MaH.6

I’ve ordered Scotty to build a new BookingEngine. We will call it Augeo. With Augeo, we will be able to seek and destroy any CostRobbers drifting through the ship.

StarDate 20080408/MaH.8

StarCommand has not given us the GalatacticScope as I asked. Instead they demanded that we return to Base immediately. I refused, stating this was not InScope. It is not InScope, because we have no AgreedScope. StarCommand now must fill out a ChangeRequest first. I have sent them the Forms with a sub-lightspeed shuttle.

StarDate 20090408/PSc.1

Since we have no AgreedScope, I asked each on-ship Unit to submit their Requirements and EffortEstimates so that we may still assemble a Minor RolloutPlan. 6 Months and 4032 AbstimmungsMeetings later (a fantastic new concept proposed by the FindingCommittee), the Requirements have been signed off by AlmostEveryone. One exception is Accounting. Using the AdminAttack method of EverlastingEvasion coupled with LoopingArguments, a technique which only few will ever master, they have convinced use to extended their deadline to an agreed date in the IndefiniteFuture. I have a strange feeling of having been given the RunAround.

StarDate 20090408/PSc.2

We have finally achieved full integration into the PlanningBliss. All groups now comminicate via AbstimmungsRunden, which involve everybody, everyday, to discuss everything, and make sure that nobody decides anything. Information transport is via an all-encompassing information-container called the NonDeterministicMessenger (NDM). We think that the NDM is proof that CollectiveAbstimming is the greatest instance of an AnalyticalProcess.

One final problem to be solved is the “Budget Paradox“: Our 100% coverage of all PlannableAspects ensures a perfect DesignToBudget, but produces no Output. I’m sure we can incorporate Accounting’s EverlastingEvasion approach to convince Star Command that this is actually not a problem.

StarDate 20090408/PSc.4

Situation Report. All systems back to normal. Mr. Spock saved us. Apparently he is immune to this disease. He managed to develop a countermeasure, some form of shield against risk aversion and planning orgies, which he calls the BureaucracyShield (soon available for purchase on iBay). Apparently, Accounting used space dust in the Complexity Zone to develop a virus to infect the crew and take control of the ship. They wanted to make us all clones of their ideal being, the BüroMensch. A very subtle and viscous “Coup de Ship“.

We decided to shove Accounting into the vacuum lock. Interestingly, pushing them out into the void of Space seemed to do them no harm. Mr. Spock said this was “Fascinating”, and hypothesized that they finally found a Void able to absorb their LoopingArguments upon which they feed.

Side-Note: I’m going to have to ask Mr. Spock to use this word less often.

Kirk out.

Actually, rationalist historians claimed he was actually called Zorgon the Inedible (after all, there is no evidence that he was eaten), but realist hysterians just screamed long enough that the subject was dropped… Some fights just can’t be won.

Now, Zorgon was a lumbering mess of a creature. Even the Hysterians didn’t disgree on that, thank Ziblon (the God of Strong Earplugs). But as such, Zorgon was popular. It was an era when lumbering was trendy, and messy lumbering was fantastically cool, so nobody’s really suprised about that. But no, it was not the lumberingness of Zorgon which made him a histoyrectical figure, it was the vacuum he created in his wake through the passage of time.

It was not a normal kind of vacuum. Not the vacuum which we all feel physically, when shoved out of an airlock on Space-Lab-9. Nor the emotional vacuum one feels when the wife runs off with your car. No. It was a vacuum hitherto unbeknown in the civilizaton of the Ziblonic 4 A.D: Vacuum Flatuations.

Vacuum Flatuations are now understood to be a particularly dangerous form of “vacant reasoning”. Today, our children learn to detect and reject vacant reasoning. But then, nobody knew, and all were sucked into the bane of Zorgon’s VFs.

As a form of pseudo intelligent thought, ZVF’s are meant to disperse opposing viewpoints by meaningless statements whilst impressing the undecided through vague but inspiring bullshit. Kinda like this story, in fact. Classic examples of ZVFs are:

Our experience shows…
Our colleagues in production…

Actually, these are the only two examples ever recorded in Zorgon’s lifetime. And science today doesn’t understand how these could have inspired such a massive following. But our experience has shown that we are not immune to what our colleagues in production are trying to say. In any case, Zorgon managed to build a huge network of believers. Somewhat susceptible were members of the Buck-Passing Party or the Responsibility-Shedding Group. Most spectacular was the absorption of the “Path of Least Resistance” rebels into Zorgon’s rhetoric complex.

By the way, certain similarities can be found in the nomadic Salez-Forss swarm colony near Ribulon 7, who spread extravagant superlatives throughout corporate civilization about their A.R.S.E. (Arbitrary Reasoning for Stupid Errors).

Zorgon’s amazing popularity came to an abrupt end when the People’s Army of Ambitious Individuals started to publicly ask who these “colleagues of production” were, and what specific examples his “experience showed”. Zorgon was quickly thrown into the Dungeon of Tape Changers where he forever more is changing those tapes.

Recovery was SWIFT.

Kirk out.

Image: A Project is like a ship

Fact-o-mat: Yes, it’s a ship. A ship with machinists dictating the course: right turns only (experience shows this is best), the pilot hanging out the pool bar, and destination moon.

We are orbiting the 13th planet around the newly discovered Total-Block Solar System. Actually this is the inner-most planet, but our investigations have revealed that the other 12 planets were blasted into asteroid dust by an (apparently) sentient species of planet Nr. 13. Which brings me to the reason for our presence: We are trying to figure out why the hell they did that.

Our surveying teams headed by our CIO (Chief-Investigating-Officer) Rabooga Flipsensen have been able to discern that the primary species are single-minded multipeds which are unable to change direction. They can only go in a straight line, which is probably why they built gravity-well devices to curve space-time and go in circles instead. In a historical event the species deduced that this is more efficient than having to circumnavigate the whole planet to get next door. We think there are better ways to “move forward” and are somewhat perplexed. We are calling them DONUTS (DO Not Understand This Species)

DONUTS are the supreme decision-making beings of the planet. They have very minimal input sensory organs, relying mainly on running into walls or dropping off cliffs to initiate any kind of measurable change in behaviour. Input does take place, but only by written means. They have a surprising resilience to absorbing any kind of new information, presumably due to their thick skulls leaving little room for anything else but surviving the wall collisions and cliff fallings.

These beings are most commonly seen not moving at all, except to meet up in groups after a sufficient amount of paperwork has accumulated, at which point the documents are placed in storage vaults with an editorial remark “Denied”, usually followed by the suicide of the document submitter. This seems to guarantee the “Status-Quo” which is a kind of religious state of ecstasy driven by so-called “Globally Immutable Everlasting Standards“.

We think this is similar to the strategy taken by the Zitt-Beings of Slag who fended off an attack of aliens by frustrating them to death through an utter lack of interest for their invasion. I am currently preparing a paper on the subject calling it “Reducing the Risk of Success with Constipated DONUTS”.

And that brings us to the 12 missing planets. After taking some deep breaths and Toleranz^TM pills we beamed ourselves into their “Great Palace of Standards and Procedures“, a fantastically huge and complex labyrinth where the supreme authorities wallow in document-pools called “DagobertDucks“. During the short periods of calm we used our SeekingEngine to find the relevant information. It turns out that a spelling mistake on a pivotal document resulted in centuries of effort to reduce the 12 planets to rubble. It should have read “...and thou shalt go forth and cast your seed onto the planets…” instead it read “…blast your seed…“. Seed in the form of miniature black holes are a problem for some planets. All 485332 applications to correct the error were “Denied”.

This planet is so boring, we are immediately moving on to Planet Lula in the Lounge-Sector to catch the upcoming Intergalatictic TableDanceathon.

Captain out.

Managing Change with Zero Sigma by Dr. Alfred E. Neumann, 1024 pages (2006).

Self-Organizing Chaos: The new Management Paradigm by Zippy the Pinhead, 347 pages (2006).

Project Management by PDRR: Panic-Driven-Random-Reactions by Prof. Dr. Zero, 289 pages (2005).

Management by Physics: Using the Path-Of-Least-Resistance Approach by Albert Einstone, 654 pages (2007) subtitled “If Nature uses it, Why don’t you?”.

Principles of Extreme Management: Fire and Forget, by Fred Flintstoned, unabridged edition 6 pages (2007).

Call now and get for FREE our new 2-page pamphlet entitled Ten steps to Management by Chaos by our editor in Chief, Wakka Wakka (Waikikee Beach Island).

Wir werden an folgenden Terminen in den kommenden Monaten so richtig mal Party machen(1):

03.11.2006 Testparty der neuen BOOM-BOX Anlage
11.11.2006 Fasching einmal anders
27.11.2006 Lulu, mein Fisch, hat Geburtstag
25.11.2006 4 Monate ohne Abmahnung. PARTY!!
08.12.2006 Weihnachts Vorfreude Party
31.12.2006 Silvester!
12.01.2007 Mein Geburtstag
16-21.02.2007 FASCHING!! Yoohoo!
11.03.2007 17. Todestag meines Hundes
21.04.2007 Weis net, aber ist auch ein Grund zum Feiern
11, 12, 13.05.2007 Love Charade — Techno-Pur Party

Mit unserer neuen BOOM-BOX Soundanlage werden die Parties so richtig cool, und ihr seid alle herzlich eingeladen in euren Wohnungen mitzufeiern. Sensiblere Mitbewohner empfehlen wir an diesen Tagen in einem Hotel oder sonst wo zu übernachten.

Es freut uns, dass wir das Glück haben eine sooooo tolle Wohnung in der Stadt gefunden zu haben (sollten wir eigenlich feiern). Zum City-Living gehört natürlich auch die richtige Lebenseinstellung: Bitte habt also Verständnis dafür, dass wir für eventuelle Einwände kein Verständis haben.

Wenn ihr aber trotzdem uns was sagen wollt, haben wir eine Telefon-Hotline eingerichtet: 069 4711-0815-007. Dort könnt ihr aufs Band sprechen, und wir gucken uns das irgendwann mal an. Oder schickt uns eine Email: egoistenClub@totalParty.de

Viele Liebe Grüße,
Die coolen vom X. Stock.

(1) Änderungen vorbehalten, insbesondere zusätzliche spontane “Get-Togethers”