Captain’s Log: Caught in the Planning Void

StarDate 20080408/MaH.1

We have entered into the Complexity Zone, in Quadrant 324.2435x N 76B. A strange feeling has overcome me, shortly after our arrival. I seem to have lost my sense of responsibility, and feel an irresistable urge to Build Walls. Something I have not experienced since taking that free course on intergalactic space administration on planet DeathWish.

I have been informed that it is no longer possible to access the machine room. Scotty claims that this was never agreed and would cost at least a million person-days to change the process. That doesn’t bother me though. I’ve checked my budget and we have enough Credits to comply. Also, I hope that if I wait long enough, I won’t be held responsible.

StarDate 20080408/MaH.2

Mr. Spock has been bugging me. He tried to tell me that there was a serious problem on the ship with the crew. What does he know about seriousness!? I’ve asked him to fill out our new ChangeRequestForm first, and clearly state the savings we will achieve. But he seems not to understand. Kept on mumbling about something being very fascinating. But I did detect a hint of frustration when he raised his left eye brow. Good thing he left, so that I can continue my work on the Grand RolloutPlan.

StarDate 20080408/MaH.3

I’ve continued to hide out in my office, working on the Grand RolloutPlan. Our budget is astronomical (quite fitting for this kind of space endeavour, acutally), but we have no clear goals other than To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before. This is simply a NonPlannableTarget, one of the most frightening Things imaginable. It must be ReDefined!!

As a start, I have contacted StarCommand to request a GalatacticScope. This will allow us to set the Grand RolloutPlan I so urgently seek. As part of the Plan, we will of course assemble a RoadMap, which is never complete without the RiskReturn and CostBenefit Appendices. As to our slogan, I’ve asked for the word “Boldly” to be replaced by “Carefully”.

My discussions with StarCommand have been frustrating. They just have not understood that we cannot live with NonPlannableTargets. All I could hear was some kind of grinding noise on the other end, presumably teeth. I gave StarCommand 30 hours to deliver.

StarDate 20080408/MaH.4

Mr. Spock finally stopped bugging me. He is apparently locked up in the Lab. Sulking? But he must comply with our new Prime Directive: “No Action Without Budget and Planning“. The old one is just ridiculous. Meddling with other life forms is just not a problem, as long as it is “In Budget“.

StarDate 20080408/MaH.6

I’ve ordered Scotty to build a new BookingEngine. We will call it Augeo. With Augeo, we will be able to seek and destroy any CostRobbers drifting through the ship.

StarDate 20080408/MaH.8

StarCommand has not given us the GalatacticScope as I asked. Instead they demanded that we return to Base immediately. I refused, stating this was not InScope. It is not InScope, because we have no AgreedScope. StarCommand now must fill out a ChangeRequest first. I have sent them the Forms with a sub-lightspeed shuttle.

StarDate 20090408/PSc.1

Since we have no AgreedScope, I asked each on-ship Unit to submit their Requirements and EffortEstimates so that we may still assemble a Minor RolloutPlan. 6 Months and 4032 AbstimmungsMeetings later (a fantastic new concept proposed by the FindingCommittee), the Requirements have been signed off by AlmostEveryone. One exception is Accounting. Using the AdminAttack method of EverlastingEvasion coupled with LoopingArguments, a technique which only few will ever master, they have convinced use to extended their deadline to an agreed date in the IndefiniteFuture. I have a strange feeling of having been given the RunAround.

StarDate 20090408/PSc.2

We have finally achieved full integration into the PlanningBliss. All groups now comminicate via AbstimmungsRunden, which involve everybody, everyday, to discuss everything, and make sure that nobody decides anything. Information transport is via an all-encompassing information-container called the NonDeterministicMessenger (NDM). We think that the NDM is proof that CollectiveAbstimming is the greatest instance of an AnalyticalProcess.

One final problem to be solved is the “Budget Paradox“: Our 100% coverage of all PlannableAspects ensures a perfect DesignToBudget, but produces no Output. I’m sure we can incorporate Accounting’s EverlastingEvasion approach to convince Star Command that this is actually not a problem.

StarDate 20090408/PSc.4

Situation Report. All systems back to normal. Mr. Spock saved us. Apparently he is immune to this disease. He managed to develop a countermeasure, some form of shield against risk aversion and planning orgies, which he calls the BureaucracyShield (soon available for purchase on iBay). Apparently, Accounting used space dust in the Complexity Zone to develop a virus to infect the crew and take control of the ship. They wanted to make us all clones of their ideal being, the BüroMensch. A very subtle and viscous “Coup de Ship“.

We decided to shove Accounting into the vacuum lock. Interestingly, pushing them out into the void of Space seemed to do them no harm. Mr. Spock said this was “Fascinating”, and hypothesized that they finally found a Void able to absorb their LoopingArguments upon which they feed.

Side-Note: I’m going to have to ask Mr. Spock to use this word less often.

Kirk out.

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Zorgon the Incredible

Here’s the short story of Zorgon the Incredible.

Actually, rationalist historians claimed he was actually called Zorgon the Inedible (after all, there is no evidence that he was eaten), but realist hysterians just screamed long enough that the subject was dropped… Some fights just can’t be won.

Now, Zorgon was a lumbering mess of a creature. Even the Hysterians didn’t disgree on that, thank Ziblon (the God of Strong Earplugs). But as such, Zorgon was popular. It was an era when lumbering was trendy, and messy lumbering was fantastically cool, so nobody’s really suprised about that. But no, it was not the lumberingness of Zorgon which made him a histoyrectical figure, it was the vacuum he created in his wake through the passage of time.

It was not a normal kind of vacuum. Not the vacuum which we all feel physically, when shoved out of an airlock on Space-Lab-9. Nor the emotional vacuum one feels when the wife runs off with your car. No. It was a vacuum hitherto unbeknown in the civilizaton of the Ziblonic 4 A.D: Vacuum Flatuations.

Vacuum Flatuations are now understood to be a particularly dangerous form of “vacant reasoning”. Today, our children learn to detect and reject vacant reasoning. But then, nobody knew, and all were sucked into the bane of Zorgon’s VFs.

As a form of pseudo intelligent thought, ZVF’s are meant to disperse opposing viewpoints by meaningless statements whilst impressing the undecided through vague but inspiring bullshit. Kinda like this story, in fact. Classic examples of ZVFs are:

Our experience shows…
Our colleagues in production…

Actually, these are the only two examples ever recorded in Zorgon’s lifetime. And science today doesn’t understand how these could have inspired such a massive following. But our experience has shown that we are not immune to what our colleagues in production are trying to say. In any case, Zorgon managed to build a huge network of believers. Susceptible where those the�Buck-Passing Party or the Responsibility-Shedding Group. Most spectacular was the absorption of the Path of Least Resistance Rebels into Zorgon’s rhetoric complex.

By the way, certain similarities can be found in the nomadic Salez-Forss swarm colony near Ribulon 7, who spread extravagant superlatives throughout corporate civilization about their A.R.S.E. (Arbitrary Reasoning for Stupid Errors).

Zorgon’s amazing popularity came to an abrupt end when the People’s Army of Ambitious Individuals started to publicly ask who these “colleagues of production” were, and what specific examples his “experience showed”. Zorgon was quickly thrown into the Dungeon of Tape Changers where he forever more is changing those tapes.

Recovery was SWIFT.

Kirk out.

Shipping IT

Imagine: A Project

Image: A Project is like a ship

Fact-o-mat: Yes, it’s a ship. A ship with machinists dictating the course: right turns only (experience shows this is best), the pilot hanging out the pool bar, and destination moon.