A Trip into Dilbert Space
Captain’s Log, Stardate 2011.11.15#234/AZ
We are in trouble. Our funding has been cut and we have no more money for our “To Boldly Go” Initiative. Our incredible series of success stories did not protect us from the budget cuts of our sponsors (not even getting Spock’s brain back impresses anyone these days).
Instead of the regular cashflow we got to do the bold things we do, we’re being asked by central command to finance our expenses ourselves, which are increasing dramatically due to Megalithic Hyperinflation emanating from the Money-Belt of Simplon 6, and of course our aging crew.
First, we suggested that central command print money. But apparently the printers went offline last month, and the password was forgotten 283 years ago. Also some of the bigger printers went missing last stardate. I asked Scotty if he can locate them and gave him after much negociating 3 minutes, which is plenty from my point of view. He thinks they might be in the Money-Belt. Now, if only we had the funds to go there and check….
Captain’s Log, Stardate 2011.12.06#234/AZ
In the meantime, Bones came up with a brilliant plan which is much better. At first I was sceptical, but he told me that he attended a remote night-course on “Leveraging in the Face of Utter Disaster” from the Department of Theoretical Abstraction at the University of Haggis. Since it’s always the deepest and blackest of night out here in deep space, he finished the course in 12 minutes a few nights ago. He did not mention that the final exam was the same that Spock took last year, I found that out by going to the toilet.
Anyway, it’s a sell-lease-back arrangement of the Enterprise, selling to the highest bidder, which will probably be the former hippy community of Zirkon-7, who have amassed a huge amount of cash with sales of their organic self-cleaning toilet brushes (ICrap) and are looking for a steady source of income for their Save-The-Universe fund. The money from the sale would then be used to buy Interstellar Wormhole Access bonds, from the Toll Collectors Society of Whiskey-Delta, with an 1% coupon and rated ABC123. Of course these coupons would not cover the leasing cost of the Enterprise, so we would use them as margin collateral to sell swaps with a notional of 86 Quadbrillion HyperCredits against the spread of central commands financing rate compared to the Klingon’s rate for their “Kill’em” Bonds. Assuming central command’s credit rating stays at AAAAH+, we should have enough cash flow to lease the Enterprise back, buy ourselves some condos on planet BarristaQuality3, and have a party on the holo-deck every Wednesday (the holo-deck we can build now that we are rich).
Spock kept on insisting that this is illogical, mumbling irrelevant stuff about assumptions and risks, but this was quickly resolved by integrating his brain into the waste management system of the Enterprise. As a benefit, we also no longer have to decline his offerings of logical self defense courses.
Of course, the model was stress tested by KPMD, the Kickbacks, Politics and Money Daemon way out in Dilbert space. This is a highly respected, fault-tolerant accountant with a rock solid reputation of certifying anything, as long as you provide him with at least one soul. Okay, okay, I used Spock’s body as payment, but we’ll lease that back soon, too.
In the meantime, the crew has been complaining about the instructions they are receiving when using the ICrap in the toilet, so we’re off to Dilbert Space to lease back Spock right away.
Kirk Out
Captain’s Log: Caught in the Planning Void
StarDate 20080408/MaH.1
We have entered into the Complexity Zone, in Quadrant 324.2435x N 76B. A strange feeling has overcome me, shortly after our arrival. I seem to have lost my sense of responsibility, and feel an irresistable urge to Build Walls. Something I have not experienced since taking that free course on intergalactic space administration on planet DeathWish.
I have been informed that it is no longer possible to access the machine room. Scotty claims that this was never agreed and would cost at least a million person-days to change the process. That doesn’t bother me though. I’ve checked my budget and we have enough Credits to comply. Also, I hope that if I wait long enough, I won’t be held responsible.
StarDate 20080408/MaH.2
Mr. Spock has been bugging me. He tried to tell me that there was a serious problem on the ship with the crew. What does he know about seriousness!? I’ve asked him to fill out our new ChangeRequestForm first, and clearly state the savings we will achieve. But he seems not to understand. Kept on mumbling about something being very fascinating. But I did detect a hint of frustration when he raised his left eye brow. Good thing he left, so that I can continue my work on the Grand RolloutPlan.
StarDate 20080408/MaH.3
I’ve continued to hide out in my office, working on the Grand RolloutPlan. Our budget is astronomical (quite fitting for this kind of space endeavour, acutally), but we have no clear goals other than To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before. This is simply a NonPlannableTarget, one of the most frightening Things imaginable. It must be ReDefined!!
As a start, I have contacted StarCommand to request a GalatacticScope. This will allow us to set the Grand RolloutPlan I so urgently seek. As part of the Plan, we will of course assemble a RoadMap, which is never complete without the RiskReturn and CostBenefit Appendices. As to our slogan, I’ve asked for the word “Boldly” to be replaced by “Carefully”.
My discussions with StarCommand have been frustrating. They just have not understood that we cannot live with NonPlannableTargets. All I could hear was some kind of grinding noise on the other end, presumably teeth. I gave StarCommand 30 hours to deliver.
StarDate 20080408/MaH.4
Mr. Spock finally stopped bugging me. He is apparently locked up in the Lab. Sulking? But he must comply with our new Prime Directive: “No Action Without Budget and Planning“. The old one is just ridiculous. Meddling with other life forms is just not a problem, as long as it is “In Budget“.
StarDate 20080408/MaH.6
I’ve ordered Scotty to build a new BookingEngine. We will call it Augeo. With Augeo, we will be able to seek and destroy any CostRobbers drifting through the ship.
StarDate 20080408/MaH.8
StarCommand has not given us the GalatacticScope as I asked. Instead they demanded that we return to Base immediately. I refused, stating this was not InScope. It is not InScope, because we have no AgreedScope. StarCommand now must fill out a ChangeRequest first. I have sent them the Forms with a sub-lightspeed shuttle.
StarDate 20090408/PSc.1
Since we have no AgreedScope, I asked each on-ship Unit to submit their Requirements and EffortEstimates so that we may still assemble a Minor RolloutPlan. 6 Months and 4032 AbstimmungsMeetings later (a fantastic new concept proposed by the FindingCommittee), the Requirements have been signed off by AlmostEveryone. One exception is Accounting. Using the AdminAttack method of EverlastingEvasion coupled with LoopingArguments, a technique which only few will ever master, they have convinced use to extended their deadline to an agreed date in the IndefiniteFuture. I have a strange feeling of having been given the RunAround.
StarDate 20090408/PSc.2
We have finally achieved full integration into the PlanningBliss. All groups now comminicate via AbstimmungsRunden, which involve everybody, everyday, to discuss everything, and make sure that nobody decides anything. Information transport is via an all-encompassing information-container called the NonDeterministicMessenger (NDM). We think that the NDM is proof that CollectiveAbstimming is the greatest instance of an AnalyticalProcess.
One final problem to be solved is the “Budget Paradox“: Our 100% coverage of all PlannableAspects ensures a perfect DesignToBudget, but produces no Output. I’m sure we can incorporate Accounting’s EverlastingEvasion approach to convince Star Command that this is actually not a problem.
StarDate 20090408/PSc.4
Situation Report. All systems back to normal. Mr. Spock saved us. Apparently he is immune to this disease. He managed to develop a countermeasure, some form of shield against risk aversion and planning orgies, which he calls the BureaucracyShield (soon available for purchase on iBay). Apparently, Accounting used space dust in the Complexity Zone to develop a virus to infect the crew and take control of the ship. They wanted to make us all clones of their ideal being, the BüroMensch. A very subtle and viscous “Coup de Ship“.
We decided to shove Accounting into the vacuum lock. Interestingly, pushing them out into the void of Space seemed to do them no harm. Mr. Spock said this was “Fascinating”, and hypothesized that they finally found a Void able to absorb their LoopingArguments upon which they feed.
Side-Note: I’m going to have to ask Mr. Spock to use this word less often.
Kirk out.
Must-Have Modern-Day Business Cards For IT Professionals
Zorgon the Incredible
Here’s the short story of Zorgon the Incredible.
Actually, rationalist historians claimed he was actually called Zorgon the Inedible (after all, there is no evidence that he was eaten), but realist hysterians just screamed long enough that the subject was dropped… Some fights just can’t be won.
Now, Zorgon was a lumbering mess of a creature. Even the Hysterians didn’t disgree on that, thank Ziblon (the God of Strong Earplugs). But as such, Zorgon was popular. It was an era when lumbering was trendy, and messy lumbering was fantastically cool, so nobody’s really suprised about that. But no, it was not the lumberingness of Zorgon which made him a histoyrectical figure, it was the vacuum he created in his wake through the passage of time.
It was not a normal kind of vacuum. Not the vacuum which we all feel physically, when shoved out of an airlock on Space-Lab-9. Nor the emotional vacuum one feels when the wife runs off with your car. No. It was a vacuum hitherto unbeknown in the civilizaton of the Ziblonic 4 A.D: Vacuum Flatuations.
Vacuum Flatuations are now understood to be a particularly dangerous form of “vacant reasoning”. Today, our children learn to detect and reject vacant reasoning. But then, nobody knew, and all were sucked into the bane of Zorgon’s VFs.
As a form of pseudo intelligent thought, ZVF’s are meant to disperse opposing viewpoints by meaningless statements whilst impressing the undecided through vague but inspiring bullshit. Kinda like this story, in fact. Classic examples of ZVFs are:
Our experience shows…
Our colleagues in production…
Actually, these are the only two examples ever recorded in Zorgon’s lifetime. And science today doesn’t understand how these could have inspired such a massive following. But our experience has shown that we are not immune to what our colleagues in production are trying to say. In any case, Zorgon managed to build a huge network of believers. Somewhat susceptible were members of the Buck-Passing Party or the Responsibility-Shedding Group. Most spectacular was the absorption of the “Path of Least Resistance” rebels into Zorgon’s rhetoric complex.
By the way, certain similarities can be found in the nomadic Salez-Forss swarm colony near Ribulon 7, who spread extravagant superlatives throughout corporate civilization about their A.R.S.E. (Arbitrary Reasoning for Stupid Errors).
Zorgon’s amazing popularity came to an abrupt end when the People’s Army of Ambitious Individuals started to publicly ask who these “colleagues of production” were, and what specific examples his “experience showed”. Zorgon was quickly thrown into the Dungeon of Tape Changers where he forever more is changing those tapes.
Recovery was SWIFT.
Kirk out.
Shipping IT
Imagine: A Project
Image: A Project is like a ship
Fact-o-mat: Yes, it’s a ship. A ship with machinists dictating the course: right turns only (experience shows this is best), the pilot hanging out the pool bar, and destination moon.
keep looking »Spare Time…
