Captain’s Log Stardate 20060915.1530C, Financial Exploration Unit 7

We have landed on the planet EAS12434 in Quadrant XP-AlaDotious which is a particularly annoying part of the Galaxy, most notable for its complete isolation from the HICCUP (Hyperspace Interconnection Complex for Civilizations Under Pressure). Our mission is to investigate the activities within a financial institution, responsible for triggering cash bookings exceeding the total sum of financial holdings in the known universe, (currently at 584 Kazillion EUR, about 6.432×10**49 UCreds).

Mission control has given us permission to violate the prime directive, and intervene, should these transactions continue to drain the financial resources of this sector via the “Italian Connection”. A particularly sensitive mission, I must say.

We have isolated the source of these anomalies within a particular group of autonomous mobile entities, known as Homo Sapiens (the correlation between Homo and Sapiens escapes us), at universal coordinates 435.2344Sx212.3234E. However, we are still trying to understand how the failures came about, since our AnsweringEngine indicates that this civilization is actually incapable of influencing anything more than a pile of Zorgon-Paste from Planet Krip. These nihilistic entities actually seem to be more concerned with their strange bodily functions, and coherent action happens only by chance. A paradox with wide-ranging implications…

The entities can be broken down into 4 basic groups: Users, Analysts, Developers and Managers.

Managers make promises to other Managers, in order to appease these and be left alone for a limited temporal period. These then get forgotten, until a query is raised, at which point much activity is created to mitigate the effects of lost time. This is actually known as “Opportunistic Minimal Action Path Selection”, which led to the extinction of the Wankie species on Flaton. We are unsure what the use is for these entities here, and suggest to replace them with decorative, inedible plants.

Analysts are invited to look into topics, with the aim of producing so called “Documentation”. These entities seem to be able to do anything with impunity, and we have not yet been able to detect any correlation between the content of the Documentation and the actual outcome of the Project. We suspect that these beings live in different dimensions and report the real results of their thinkings to the species habitating the outer planets of Zinga, where we have also seen hyperdimensional activities (mostly related to digging worm-holes and filling them up again).

Developers are told by Managers to chase so called “Non-Issues” with utmost priority, while at the same time fullfilling the Promises which are supposed to be defined in Documents (see above). Developers seem to be a hybrid between the fault-tolerant race of Tribula/Phi (which are regularly crushed by falling boulders without expiring) and the flexible time-shifting beings of Karamba, best known for their ability to produce results in negative time at the drop of a HAT (Highly Aggressive Task). This is the only known combination which could possibly lead to the long-term survival of this group within the Paradox known as The Bank.

Users are also known as Victims. But it’s their fault because they refuse to use their brain for anything other than primitive bodily experiences (sports talk and pop radio music). We have not yet been able to detect formations of sentences exceeding 3 words. The most common phrase is “Calypso Broken”, which we are still investigating…

After our initial investigations, all our productive actions came to a grinding halt… These entities apparently have an extreme negative effect on our ability to think straight. We are under neuronal attack from the chaotic emanations of these beings and have decided to retreat to safety (behind their planet Saturn, where a Hyper-Bar has been setup for recreational purposes) and take a stiff drink to recover.


Leave a Reply