A Trip into Dilbert Space

Captain’s Log, Stardate 2011.11.15#234/AZ

We are in trouble. Our funding has been cut and we have no more money for our “To Boldly Go” Initiative. Our incredible series of success stories did not protect us from the budget cuts of our sponsors (not even getting Spock’s brain back impresses anyone these days).

Instead of the regular cashflow we got to do the bold things we do, we’re being asked by central command to finance our expenses ourselves, which are increasing dramatically due to Megalithic Hyperinflation emanating from the Money-Belt of Simplon 6, and of course our aging crew.

First, we suggested that central command print money. But apparently the printers went offline last month, and the password was forgotten 283 years ago. Also some of the bigger printers went missing last stardate. I asked Scotty if he can locate them and gave him after much negociating 3 minutes, which is plenty from my point of view. He thinks they might be in the Money-Belt. Now, if only we had the funds to go there and check….

Captain’s Log, Stardate 2011.12.06#234/AZ

In the meantime, Bones came up with a brilliant plan which is much better. At first I was sceptical, but he told me that he attended a remote night-course on “Leveraging in the Face of Utter Disaster” from the Department of Theoretical Abstraction at the University of Haggis. Since it’s always the deepest and blackest of night out here in deep space, he finished the course in 12 minutes a few nights ago. He did not mention that the final exam was the same that Spock took last year, I found that out by going to the toilet.

Anyway, it’s a sell-lease-back arrangement of the Enterprise, selling to the highest bidder, which will probably be the former hippy community of Zirkon-7, who have amassed a huge amount of cash with sales of their organic self-cleaning toilet brushes (ICrap) and are looking for a steady source of income for their Save-The-Universe fund. The money from the sale would then be used to buy Interstellar Wormhole Access bonds, from the Toll Collectors Society of Whiskey-Delta, with an 1% coupon and rated ABC123. Of course these coupons would not cover the leasing cost of the Enterprise, so we would use them as margin collateral to sell swaps with a notional of 86 Quadbrillion HyperCredits against the spread of central commands financing rate compared to the Klingon’s rate for their “Kill’em” Bonds. Assuming central command’s credit rating stays at AAAAH+, we should have enough cash flow to lease the Enterprise back, buy ourselves some condos on planet BarristaQuality3, and have a party on the holo-deck every Wednesday (the holo-deck we can build now that we are rich).

Spock kept on insisting that this is illogical, mumbling irrelevant stuff about assumptions and risks, but this was quickly resolved by integrating his brain into the waste management system of the Enterprise. As a benefit, we also no longer have to decline his offerings of logical self defense courses.

Of course, the model was stress tested by KPMD, the Kickbacks, Politics and Money Daemon way out in Dilbert space. This is a highly respected, fault-tolerant accountant with a rock solid reputation of certifying anything, as long as you provide him with at least one soul. Okay, okay, I used Spock’s body as payment, but we’ll lease that back soon, too.

In the meantime, the crew has been complaining about the instructions they are receiving when using the ICrap in the toilet, so we’re off to Dilbert Space to lease back Spock right away.

Kirk Out


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